Finding Our Voice, Sharing Our Vision

Ending Violence Against Women and Children

I was born in Slovenia. We came here when I was 11. I saw my father beat my mother and put her in the hospital I do not know how many times.I was going through a real hard period in my life. My mom and dad spoke hardly any English. They married my sister off to an older man and that left me. My dad would not let me bring any friends home. Ever since I can remember, he beat my mom. To me, it was her fault. I thought if she would shut up he would stop. I did not know that even if she did, he would keep on beating her.

At 18 I met a man I thought was my Prince Charming. That was the most confusing time of my life. It was downfall. I had these illusions about men. I did not want to marry someone like my dad. I wanted someone who would come home and have dinner with you, buy you flowers and candy and take you out. For a couple of months, he was a prince. But then he would lose his temper and slap me. I could live with that because I thought maybe that meant he loved me.

Then he started beating on me and I could not live with that. I was too good to him. I was his slave. I would have his supper ready and his shoes shined. But it turned out I was married and he was not. I wanted to be around him all the time. But rather than take me with him, he would beat me up. I got a job and one morning after he had gone to work I moved out. But he would come to where I worked and threaten me. I lost my job and had to move three or four times because he would knock the door down and terrorize me.

My sister was getting beat on by her husband. I thought in this country you did not have to stand for that.

A few years later I married again. I liked him because he made me laugh. I found some kind of happiness there. He was a great guy but I did not dream he was doing drugs behind my back. I thought maybe I could help him.

After a few weeks we split up.

My dad died and my mother wanted to visit Europe. I got really sick and my mom came back and left me there. My relatives decided I would marry a local man. I made up my mind there was nothing to stop this child from going home. The day before the wedding I slipped out of the house and caught a bus to the nearest city. I had my act together. It was sheer luck and willpower. When I got to the airport, I hid in the bathroom the whole time. I was afraid I would be caught and taken back. I will never forget the deep breath of relief when the plane took off for America.

Then after I got home I ran into another man. I only knew good things about him. He was nice looking and drove a big car. He was another Prince Charming. I thought he would take care of me. I was so tired of trying to take care of myself and doing such a lousy job.

It seemed like the whole world changed overnight. He started giving me $100 bills. He bought me a nice car. He was real good to me, treated me better than anyone had treated me in my whole life. I moved in with him. It was a beautiful home. Things were going real good for us. I would have done anything for him.

He was a contractor and I suggested we start our own construction company and I could keep the books. Overnight we hit it big. They were putting up a subdivision and we got the job. My life went from the ditch to the penthouse. I thought he was the greatest thing ever. For the first time in my life I didn’t have to worry. But I had been taken away from all my friends. I did not have anyone to talk to.

One night he came home and kicked me out of bed. It was 3 in the morning. He said, "We have to talk. I am tired of babying you. It is time you grew up." Then he told me about his past and of the men he had killed. It was a bomb. That was the worst day of my life. I felt my whole life was a dream. It completely destroyed my self image. I felt I did not have a brain in my head. From that day on, until I went to prison, I considered myself stupid.

The next morning, I got up and started packing. He beat me to death. He took my car keys and said, "You made me do this. Are you happy now? I love you and you made me beat you." I cried all day. That evening I remembered there was one way out. Suicide. I could not stand anymore. I had made him do this to me and I was no good to myself or anyone else. I went outside and took a whole bottle of pills.

The last I remember was going back into the house and picking up the telephone. I have no idea who I was trying to call. Then I passed out. That’s when he found me. He took me to the hospital and when I came to, a strange man was sitting on my bed. It was a psychiatrist. This man I was living with was there, too. The psychiatrist said, “I will leave you with your wife.” But we still were not married. I did not know what I was doing or what had happened.

He was dressing me and said, "We have got to get you out of here before they start asking questions. They will lock you up for trying to kill yourself." The next time I woke up I was on the roof of a house. He had taken me to work with him because he was afraid to let me out of his sight. I do not know how he got me up the ladder. He told me to got back to sleep and when I came to I was home in bed.

Then he spanked me and told me, "You can never get away from me."

He instilled such fear in me. I thought I cannot even commit suicide right. That destroyed me that much more. But then he brought me flowers and jewelry and he said, “I will never hurt you again.” I was so ready to forgive him that I went for it.

Several months later, the beatings started again. That’s how I ended up a totally battered woman. I was back to feeling stupid. If he beat me up, I figured I had it coming. But I thought if I could not change the situation maybe I could control his attitude. A year later, I got pregnant. I thought if I had a baby, things would be better. But he told me, "You will have to marry me now." Well, that was another mistake.

I filed for divorce. After the baby was born, one day a man called on the phone and said he had been questioned by the police about blowing up the house and the baby and me. He said to be careful, that my husband was acting crazy. It scared me real good. I knew that my husband intended to blow up the house. He had told me that because we were fast losing everything we had and he was spending hundreds of dollars a day on drugs. He was gambling and selling everything. The house was all we had left. He had insured it for a lot of money. I did not think he would hurt us but then there were little hints like he would not buy health insurance because he said I would not need it.

One day he came to the house with another man and I saw them fiddling with the car. Later, I was driving with the baby and the hood flew up. I told him, "I know you messed with my car." He did not deny it. He just said, "Well, bitch, I guess the next time you will be more careful."

I felt I had never known this person. He would sneak into the house in the middle of the night and hold a gun to my head. He would click it and then start laughing. The last few months were a nightmare. I could not sleep because I was so scared. Then he told me, "Look, I am going out of town when this happens to you." He was talking about the house blowing up. He said, "It has to look like a vendetta. I will call and tell you when to get out." But something told me he would kill me.

Then I met a man in a bar. I did not know him but it was so easy to talk to him because he was a stranger. He was the first person who would listen to me. I was thin and scroungy looking. I looked like I had come out of an insane asylum. And here was this man calmly sitting there and I felt comfortable with him because he acted like he believed me. He had heard of my husband. I told him I was scared and needed help. He said, "Why don’t we go to your house and look at it? I can tell you what to look for." So I took him there. He agreed that my husband could blow it up. He reinforced my fears but at the same time he gave me the support I needed. I asked him, "Can you help me?"

He said, "The only way to help you is to kill him before he kills you. I will get back with you."

The next time I saw him was at our house but I had changed my mind. I said I did not want anyone to get hurt. He said, "Do you mind if I hang around? I do not want him to hurt you."

The next day I told him the same thing, that I did not want anyone to get hurt.

But then my husband came to the house. He was cursing me. He was sitting there drinking and screaming at me. He started toward me. I did not know which way to run. The phone rang. He picked up the phone and then I heard a gun go off.

Note: Helen was charged with first degree murder in the death of her abusive husband and sentenced to fifty years without parole. The prosecution charged that she had hired a man to kill him. The man who admitted to the shooting testified that Helen had told him she had changed her mind and did not want her husband killed before the shooting took place. He pled guilty to a reduced charge of second degree murder and was sentenced to life imprisonment with the possibility of parole. Louise Bauschard dedicated her book, “Voices Set Free: Battered Women Speak From Prison” to Helen in 1986. Helen served 13 years of the fifty year sentence. In 1994, she was granted clemency by then Governor John Ashcroft.